Thursday, July 5, 2012

How Can I Write Naked When Everyone’s Watching?

by Melanie Thorne

Writing used to be easy.

Are you laughing yet? If you’re a writer, you know that’s a load of crap. Writing is not easy; it never has been. What’s that Hemingway quote? There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and bleed. It’s funny because it’s true, and most of us are familiar with the pain, the gutting open of ourselves, the pouring of our hearts and stories onto the page. I’m a writer; I can take the abuse. I bled onto my keyboard for years. But it seems that ever since I sold my novel, writing has gotten even harder.

When I wrote Hand Me Down, it was just me at my computer, alone in my office. Just my voice—and, Liz, my narrator’s, of course—in my head shaping the language, telling the story for an anonymous, would-be, someday, maybe-in-my-wildest-dreams-will-someone-else-actually-read-this-whole-thing potential reader. I wrote for me. I wrote because I had to tell my story, had to understand the hard truths of my childhood by twisting them inside out and rearranging them in an order that made sense. I could write like I was naked—bare my soul completely with words—because no one was watching.

I knew people would read my stories, sure, but they were my professors, my classmates in workshops, strangers at a conference, a very limited, very supportive audience. Back then I felt free enough to write honestly. No one knew the things I called fiction were true. No one cared if my work was good enough to publish—in fact, it was expected not to be. We were all learning; criticism came with the intention of improving the work rather than with the judgment that comes once a piece is finished.

Years later, after I sold the book, my editor had very few suggested changes, but we all agreed that the ending could be improved. I needed to write an entirely new climax scene. And I choked.

I couldn’t write anything for weeks. The pressure of creating something brand new that was going to go into the finished book was overwhelming. I had spent the better part of the previous five years reading and rereading and revising every word of my manuscript over and over and now I had mere months until a deadline that carried the weight of a paid, binding contract for an editor who represented a big NY publishing house. It was enough to strike me dumb, and I became paralyzed by these new real-life demands on my creative process. My bare-soul writing had gained a VIP audience and I felt fully exposed. I froze in the spotlight and it was like I was five again, running offstage to puke in the wings during our church play, incapable of performing.  

Near tears, I finally had to call my editor and tell her I was stuck. I couldn’t admit that I was a fraud, but I knew I was. These people had invested in a lost cause; the whole sale had been a mistake. I had managed to fool us all by pretending to be a writer and my house of cards was about to crash.

I'm so lucky I have a fantastic editor. She talked me off the ledge, said we had a little bit more time. She said the words I most needed to hear: give yourself a break. She made me feel safe enough to risk being uncovered again, like I was back in workshop, writing for myself, writing to tell the best story I could tell, to understand, to discover truths. I convinced myself no one important was watching and I took off my writing clothes, spilled more blood onto my keyboard.

But my relationship with writing has changed even more dramatically since then. Not only did my editor read my book, but then the marketing and sales teams, my publicist, my family, booksellers, industry reviewers, media reviewers, bloggers, and then, the general public. Now, anyone who wants to can pick up my book, read my blood on the page, read the product of my emotional sweat and literal tears. Not only that, but they can respond to me directly, tell me how much they loved Hand Me Down and can’t wait for the next book. It’s so wonderful and gratifying to hear that, to hear that people are responding to my words and my story, but it also reminds me that there are now people waiting for me to write. I feel like everyone is watching, and I don’t want to let them down.

I’m trying to work on my second book, but I’ve found that it’s not me alone at my computer anymore. It’s not just my voice in my head, but also the negative comments from readers (even though they are few), the positive comments from readers and reviewers (what if I don’t live up to the praise?), statistics about sales figures and sophomore flops, the VIP audience of my agent and editor that are now among my earliest readers instead of the last, the knowledge that this book needs to be written more quickly than HMD, that it needs to be saleable, publishable, in order to keep my career moving, the nagging doubt that I'm capable of writing a second book.

If I can’t even be alone in my own head, how can I possibly get to that place where I can gut myself open?

There is no simple answer, or not one I know of. (If you’ve found one, please share!) I’m doing my best to work my way back to that safe space I started out in, the frame of mind that I’m only writing for me. I need to learn to protect myself from those outside voices, pretend that I’m invisible. This book does need to be publishable, eventually, and I can only get to publishable by writing those shitty first drafts, so that’s the place to start. The public doesn’t exist for this second book yet, and though my agent and editor are supportive readers, I need to kick them out of my brain for the beginning stages as well. I’ll put blinders on and earplugs in and focus on the writing, the storytelling, the characters’ voices, not the ones beyond my office. I’ll hang dark curtains over all my windows, and while I know the world is still out there, at least they won’t be able to see me.

It’s like that saying: Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one can hear. I also love Jennifer Weiner’s addition from her BEA speech: “Tweet like your mother’s not online.”

Write like you’re naked. It’s not easy, but we knew that already. We wouldn’t have made it this far if we couldn’t take the pain.

Melanie Thorne is the author of Hand Me Down, a debut novel that is the story of a girl who has never been loved best of all. Find out more on her website, follow her on Twitter, or say hello on Facebook.

18 comments:

  1. I loved this, Melanie! I'm right there with you girl, starting my second novel. Thanks for putting what I'm feeling into words! ox

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  2. This is great advice, Melanie! So hard to do, and yet so important.

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  3. Oh, Melanie, you know what is so fabulous about being part of Book Pregnant? That others are there right along side you and understand and articulate the same feelings. I so understand this. And I thought it was just me. I'm so very happy you posted this. It helps me. Yes, I need to go to that safe place. Thank YOU! This is exactly where I am.

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  4. I so need to hear this right now. Thank you.

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  5. Thanks for responding, ladies! I'm so glad this post is resonating with you and maybe even helping while we're all in this tough writing space between public and private. I wish you all the best of luck, and I'm happy we get to go through this with each others' support!

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  6. This post really strikes a chord with me. As I'm working my way through edits of my debut, I keep having those same flashes of panic, those pinches of worry, that feeling of being an impostor. Feeling the weight of all that expectation. It's hard to remember to take a deep breath and trust myself, trust that I'll do this book justice right now the same way I did when I was writing just for myself. Thank you for this, Melanie!

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    1. You're welcome, and thank you! It is so important to be able to trust ourselves, and yet it's so hard. Good luck with your edits!

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  7. Melanie, Perfect timing. I'm working on my first draft of the dreaded second book and as I type what I know isn't really good enough - I am trying to remember it's a first draft. I'm trying not to worry so much about anything and just get the story on the page so I can go back and pull it apart and put it back together again. You know, a few times. I have to get out of my own head to do it, almost forget the ultimate goal and just story tell. It's working so far...

    Thanks for a wonderful reminder.

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    1. We're so hard on ourselves, especially when writing first drafts, I think. Just tell the story. Yes. I need a post-it with that on my desk or something. Except mine will say: Just tell the f**king story!

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  8. Thanks for your honest and inspiring post, Melanie. My first novel just sold, and I'm finding it so much harder to write the second. It's comforting to know that many of us share the same fears and insecurities.

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    1. It is so nice to know we're not alone. And you're certainly not, as you can see from everyone's responses. Congrats on your sale!

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  9. Oh Melanie, I'm behind you - literally. My first book isn't out yet. But once I contracted, I went tharn for awhile, freaked out about very manageable deadlines.

    To me, what got me out of it was what got that first book out to begin with. The story called me. The voices became white noise when I got involved with the characters.

    Hope that helps, in some small way.

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    1. Thanks, Laura. It does help a little. You're right--the characters will take over at some point once I'm deeper into the book. It's these early stages that seem to be the hardest. Congrats on your book sale. Keep us posted when it comes out!

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  10. I know. Writing the second book is almost crippling. Writing has always been my escape, but like you, I now see the world watching. Ugh!

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  11. The thing that helped me most with writing my second book after publishing my first was learning to play tennis. We played our home matches in front of HUGE windows where the coaches & other team members could watch us (and roll their eyes at every missed shot.) After many months of paralyzing anxiety, I realized that nobody really cared (or remembered) how well or how poorly I played but me! We invest so much of ourselves into our books, as well we should, but in the end, our readers will be people who (like us) have many, many books on their night tables--they will forgive some awkward sentences, and even some awkward chapters, if the overall book is a good story told with heart and music.

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  12. Brilliant. You've summed up the feeling perfect. Writing that second book is like delivering a baby on the 50-yard line of a packed football stadium.

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  13. Barbara, ugh is right!!

    Holly, great story.

    Sophie. Amen, sister. With a real baby, it doesn't care that everyone is watching, it just needs to get out. When a book is working, it feels the same way. Something else to remember.

    Thanks, everyone, for responding!

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  14. Great post, Melanie! So true :) Here's to get the writing work done.

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